I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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