TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
