I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
