Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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