i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Couch. On fire.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
