there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
