On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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