1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
