he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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