Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
