had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize