I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
