Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He did a backflip because drugs
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
