she takes plan B like it's going out of style
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
