yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
