i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
