She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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