TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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