I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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