Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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