Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
50% drunk capacity currently
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
