i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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