So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
