she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
