No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
