I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
