I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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