her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
