The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
