I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
