The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
