the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
