Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
