I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize