At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
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