You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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