I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
