Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
