maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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