Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
