well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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