You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
