now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
There's even glitter on my cock...
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