I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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