She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
