he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
