Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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