Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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