found the other keg... it's in the tree
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
