At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
