There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
