3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
