Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
