I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Randomize
