i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
