Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
